I am ashamed to say that I didn’t speak to my mom the whole weekend. I am an advocate of speaking with my mother daily to make sure she is okay. Well, I know one thing about myself. I may know more .. but this for sure. I know that I can’t talk to my mom when I’m upset or stressed.
The phone call goes Hey, how are you? she responds with her latest information, she felt like sharing that day. She’ll ask me in return about my day. Here comes the waterworks. I can’t hold a conversation feeling this way, with my mom who knows me inside and out. She knows just what to say when I am feeling this way. She has always been my number 1 supporter my entire life. The reason why I don’t like to talk to her when I am feeling so heavy with stress and grief, I know that she will carry my concern. Somethings you just can’t let others carry for you, the burden your own.
Everything in life becomes a lesson for me. When not to act on certain feelings, when not to react to someone else’s reaction. I have to make the best of every situation.
Today, was the first day of school for the kiddos and this day has been repeated everyday for me for the last 15 years. Only today, I felt the knife of days of my babies are slowly slipping away. I had anticipated this day for them, practically all summer.
Today, well today was different. I was sending my youngest son to highschool and my youngest daughter to begin her first day of her last year in middle school.
I haven’t had the feeling of being lost, terrified and uncertain in a very long time and this was a day like no other. I would walk out my back door and think of what the future may be. I can only wonder what rests around the corner. I know that the future will be bright for my children and their awesome personalities will allow people to fall in love with them. Those are not my concerns. I can no longer be the mom that ties their shoes. I can no longer be the mom to make lunches (well make snacks for the morning). I am losing that control. I will be the mom, that my mom is to me.
Wishing for the best and preparing for worst! I will always be there for my children and when they need me, I will be there for them. I can’t predict the future and I hope that the worst will never happen. With this best, many blessings will be, there is no answer for what will be. I will be there for my children whenever their worst can’t be their best.